Entry 51: Granny

It's after the second or third visit that I started to feel that Boney's granny is feeling lonely or sad.

Or maybe, as everyone thought, she is strong.

I don't feel so.

It was scanned that there are 2 of them in her brain. One of which is growing quite big.

It cannot be operated at her age.

Neither can it be treated with medicine.

She just gotta live on like this with them still in her.

What to do?

People visit her.

They come everyday.

Boney and I visit her.

We go almost every evening.

She has been hospitalised going a week.

It doesn't seem long but I bet days in NUH seem dull and lonesome to her.

Boney's granny and I has no blood connections.

I'm only Boney's girlfriend. Not yet a real member of the family though they might already regard me as one. I don't know.

I felt that she isn't feeling happy when we all start to leave at night.

She thought about Qing Ming and wanted to visit her mother.

Boney's aunt dreamt that granny was eating with her mother.

I felt ..

Just can't describe.

I don't know what's with all these..

Lately, I've been seeing the loneliness in her everytime we leave.

She does have her smiles as usual but I know she must have sensed something wrong.

Why would someone down with flu and cough and said to be quite alright still be staying in the hospital for so long?

Why must she go through the scannings?

We'll never know what's on her mind.

Went to visit her this evening again.

Just back from home.

I've been taking few glances at her on and off..

My heart aches somehow.

And tears do start battling around the corner of my eyes when I look at her..

I recalled how I didn't have any visits to my big aunt when she was in that hospital for those sickly.

The last time I saw her was when? I couldn't remember.

All I know is..

the day she was said to be leaving, I realised I didn't have a close look at her since she was diagnosed with cancer.

The last sight of her was at the hospital where she was already unconscious..

The sight of the skeleton-like body with the obvious shape of her skull made me broke down into tears again and again.

I'm unsure if anyone in my family still thought of her.. But I do .

It might not be often or daily that I think of her and how she passed away..

But it just hurts.

Back to Boney's granny.

I felt an extreme feeling that she wasn't feeling good at all today.

They said she was better today cos she joked and laughed.

But I feel it was worse.

I couldn't see the genuine smile at all lately. At least not like the first 2 days of hospitalisation.

I can't help looking at her expression trying to feel what's on her mind and how she is feeling.

I'm sure she is in some kind of pain.

Just yesterday night or this morning, her blood pressure shot high.

She must be feeling the discomfort.

I have a super strong feeling of hugging her when we are leaving just now.

But I didn't

Maybe those pairs of eyes hold me back.

She is afterall not my own granny.

It feels a lil "weird" to be hugging her when her own grandchildren aren't

I hope there will be another chance when no one is around except Boney and I

and I could just comfortably hug her

I missed the chance yesterday.

This feeling is so strong today.

Her hand stretched out as we bid goodbye.

She seems to want to hold the hands of everyone.

I wanted to reach out for her hands but I didn't.

I don't know what's holding me back. And honestly, I'm afraid I'll be too emotional to handle.

Need not emphasize she is not my own granny

But this feeling just won't go away.

I think the sunshine before the rain thingy..urgh.

I was thinking quite a bit on the way back..

Chinese fortune teller said that she might not be able to make it after Qing Ming.

True or fake? No one knows.

We can't forsee what's going to happen right?

Boney's mom said that 9 in woman's age is inauspicious.

Granny is 89.

Hope she'll be able to pull through..

Anyhow, I hope all the prayers will bring her miracles..

I'll see her tomorrown again.

Goodnight people.

God bless.