Entry 180: Better?

I've calmed down a bit after a talk with him last night

I cried real hard knowing how sweetly he talks to her

And I wanted to give up cos I can't take those shyt I'm feeling

He finally talked to me

He told me ..

He doesn't want others to know what we're going through

He never wants to give up

He never wishes to let me keep my options open

He never likes her

And that will never be

He admitted he treat her very well n much like an online ingame couple thing.

He explained that he wants the best of both worlds

And he knows his limits.

He assured again that he won't bring online or game thing into real life

And that is for sure.

He gave me his words and I believe he'll keep it.

He explained why he'd rather talk to her bout certain things

Cos all I'll ever revolve around is her..

And she is the topic.

He doesn't like it. I know.

They are much alike..

In the sense that they wish to have the best.

And they both are clear nothing goes beyond virtuality.

They enjoy each other's accompany in game

And they talk more like a real couple.

But he assured.. Nothing else in game

Once the game falls or collapsed

everything ends there.

I've been feeling real down and hasn't been focusing on revisions.

I did.. but minimal..

The feeling still has yet to subside and I'm sure it's gonna take time.

After all that he made me feel unclear about..

I'm tired..

I'm playing nica now too..

But I doubt I'll chase his level which is quite far away.. and leveling is slow =(

I have to study !!

And I was thinking bout the initial purpose of playing..

Somewhat to get to his level, be able to party him..

and stop their couple relationship in game..

But I doubt I wanna destroy all he is enjoying happily now..

I sense how superior he feels knowing that people somehow "praise" about his character's gears and stuff.. and when others said the same to her character..

He feels proud. Cos her character is one of his "masterpiece"

I understand. Really.

But as much as he wish me to realise that he wants to be what he could be in virtuality..

That he can't in real life..

I wish he could empathise with my situation.

Accepting my emotions with better communication and not a harsh tone.

He's just irritated by how I'm paranoid over them.

I am too.

He loves me. He confessed so.

I know it's true..

I might can't help feeling negative..

cos whenever I try to do something to please him..

It proves adverse effects..

I'm lost.

If you would realise how much everything I've said contradicts..

You would maybe..

realise how I'm feeling messed up..

You said she knows how you're feeling..

She knows when exactly you're not being your self.

And I know I couldn't.

It's always like this.

People out of the picture who explains it to you

You accept it.

But when I do.. you hastily entertained.

It's hurting.

You don't realise.

I'm feeling useless when I can't do what a girl of yours should do.

Sharing the most ..

And of all happiness, the anger and sadness..

The woes..

But you chose to give it to her.

I'm sorry.

I'm just not perfect enough.

I'm living on my life..

And I'll be making the best out of everything I have..

Including everyone..

I don't have much guy friends cos I believe I don't need them when I have you

And all I ever needed is you..

It was a wrong move I took..

In not just our love but every other relationship I've had.

No turning back

Move forth..

And time will tell it all..

Thanks for holding on...

I love you.