Entry 174: Would I feel better?

I'm trying not to be bothered by him wanting to spend his time gaming. Seemingly like for the rest of his life. And of all, I'm trying not to be feeling bitter knowing they are chatting in msn/game.


I tried a day with all that he would feel happier.. I went out the whole day. I paused to look at his sleeping face.. I said goodbye softly, not wanting any hugs/kisses from him anymore.. I went out of the house hoping he would still message me but I don't expect much.. I came home.. I had dinner together with his family as usual..
But I felt tears welling up..I felt like finishing dinner fast..


I went out to find my god bro, Kai. We chatted near an hour. His sis, mom and dad called and asked what happen between us.. Told me not to bottle any unhappiness up. I wish I could tell them..


I had breakfast and now I'm in front of his computer. I've been lazy to switch on mine.. I saw his old blogdrive and went to check out the posts.. They were old.. and outdated.. They are stagnant. Just like us. I cried.
His mom told me that he would listen more to his sis and I should tell her what happened so she could help. I know they care for me.. But I don't want a pressurised relationship cos I am sure he doesn't like it. Like he'd said, his patience is running out for me, I don't wanna make things worse.. I don't feel good honestly, but I can't bear to lose him..


Tears have been really cheap after every single failure I had in relationship. I choose to believe in them cos I remember cousin once quoted "I'll never stop loving, just like how love never stop hurting".


I hold back all my wants from him. He made me wonder what kind of companionship I want from him.. I can't answer and so, I won't expect more from him.


He said he doesn't wish to lose me either, but.. at that moment of joy, I felt the pinch too. It has never been this way.. Not in any of my pasts..What's gotten to me?


Few nights, I have been writing in a lil note book cos I can't sleep with so much thoughts running through my mind.. I took a bit of his cough syrup for past two nights, hoping the drowsiness effect would bring me to sleep. I know this ain't healthy..


I don't wish to talk to him about us anymore cos he just doesn't like it. I don't wanna force him into unwilling submission. Even if I managed to, I'll still suffer the ache.. more than he would..


Today is our 23rd Monthsary and GF's 19th Birthday. Would be heading to Mich's celebration at Kel's pub after sch.
I asked if he could try to make it since it is our last month to 2years.. I understand he isn't feeling well, so up till now, his confirmation is still vague.


His mom is affected now, and I sincerely hope she would get well soon..


My right foot is aching again.. Prolly cos I on the fan that is placed at the foot of the bed.. Maybe, I should find some day to go to the bonesetter again.. Since I didn't go the very last time I have to go ..


I'm feeling better after letting out partially here..
I hope my girls could let me forget about him.. I don't wish to linger on the negative thoughts about us..


I gotta go prepare myself soon.. and I hope gradually, I wouldn't need him as much.. I really wish..