Entry 176: Still..

I'm at BOYFRIEND's house now.. Been her blogshop model last night. Really horrendous and unglam. LMAO!!
Even acted MJ man~! LOL


I'm thinking of him so much. We compromised each other and hopefully things will go on well..


I acted like I could accept him being unable to forgo a 2weeks game "close friend" who once call him dar so many darn times.
I acted like I could accept the fact that he rather leave me feeling hurt there than to do something I requested to make me, this going 2yrs girl feel happier.
I acted like I could accept seeing them chat, even w/o her calling him dar.
I acted ike things would go back to normal..
I DO love him a lot but I acted strong and try to fight back my tears, not wanting him to feel forced.


How could I take this if they would eventualy become longer close game friend.. If he gets online so often.. Even if he has to work, his daily routine never leaves game. How much time can I realy talk to him nicely? How much can I chat with him?


It all just started with names. I know I hold on too tight.. But I thought I wasn't being too unreasonable when the reaction he gave was simply refusing to try do something further to stop her since I don't like it. Then now, he told me he can't promise he won't talk to her.


Same old thinking, if you can't let down a 2wks girl who treated u well in game, u considered both of u really close.. married ingame status.. how would me, 2yrs girl, feel knowing I'm sharing names with other girls? Did u ever ask me?


He won't be seeing this. And even if he did, he don't understand. he took his stand so firm on this but not on her and my request.


As much as I'missin him now, I fear that I'll lose my control when I see him. I'm afraid I'll say things harshly, and I'm afraid to see them talk. But I don't wish him to hide from me either. Why does everything contradicts itself so much..


I'm telling myself to let go more than I thought I have to. I'm feeling really miserable on and off.. And I can't stop thinking about her. I know they wouldn't go beyond game friend.. But I don't like it seriously. Yet he can't and don't want to do anything.


It is not about whether I could cope with what future comes.. but it is too much for me..


I think I neda find more friends.. I think I need to find more companions.. I think I shouldn't be that faithful treating him as my very priority when he can't even achieve something so simple.


I've gone crazy. Crying and laughing. Geting sad and angry then happy.. it is like never-ending.. and I thought..


It is time to let go slowly.. til the day I can pick up the courage to leave, I'll go..