Some readers might have been wondering and speculating what was wrong with me for the past few days/weeks. Now, I shall reveal it cos I've confessed to the person who is so dear to me.. And if you're those that thinks I am a good girlfriend to have.. Think twice now. I'm not.
I'm scarred.
Weeks back, I met XL after the last time we saw each other when I was together with G. He told me he had already liked me since then but felt it wasn't the right time to go after me when G and I broke up and that G was his "brother".
Messages never stopped the day we met up again. Things start to complicate and feelings got too out of hand. We went out a few times, and each time I have to lie to my boy that I have something on and can't go home early. The guilt was creeping..
It was the third time XL and I brought up the need to cease whatever is so wrong between me and himself. The first two times were hard. Partly, he gave me memories that I won't forget. Partly, he is the reason I could divert my full attention away from my boy and not feel too left out. But I'll never deny, I did fell for XL.
It was all a mistake in the beginning and never could I continue it after seeing those sufferings he might be going through. Neither could I stop feeling guilty and confused. Never could I imagine what would happen if my boy finds out bout us and decided to leave me. I knew the man I wanna spend forever with yet I decided to let feelings over-ride me. I was too selfish to call XL back the first two times. Apologies will never heal those wounds he has because of me.
Now, the third time we promised never to turn back again. I can't help but to tell the truth I've kept long enough to torture my mind and soul to my boy. I hugged him with tears, ache and fear. It was a messed up feeling.
I've always entrusted my eternity to my boy, I've always know.. yet I created another game I called mine, to be controlled by no one else but me.. And now I've lost. I lost not to the players that joined.. but to the harsh rules I created to abide by.
I'm quitting this.
I need to leave cos I can't have the best of both worlds. When two choices appear, you just gotta make one one day.. and it is always best to make it quick cos you'd never know if dragging the decision making would give you a clearer view or make you less decisive..
I really hope XL and I could still smile and talk like good friends the next time we ever meet again.. I don't want to see people leaving my life. Not you not him not anyone..
我知道没有人是永远的英雄，有一天还是会被伤害，躲起来独自疗伤。。
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