Entry 334: Those tears behind every misses..

I was strong all the while when you were going to enlist that day.

I secretly tried to capture every moments into my mind, my memory.

I snapped those scenes deep within.

Until the moment you were in line to move away..

Moving into the 17days without me, without you.

I fought back my tears knowing how sad your mom already was

Laugh, for the people who cried are being silly?

It's only a process of growing up for them.

An experience of turning into independent and responsible men.

Yet the departure was unbearable.

And imagine the girl who clings on tightly, dependently

Now, she has to live her own for those days.

Seemingly, it's just 17days

But no one understands the constant misses flooding.

They overwhelm. They devour.

They incompleted the beautiful picture of having you having me.

I remembered vividly, the scene of you leaving for service life.

It's tearing me apart.

And now as night falls, the moment I have to turn in to bed, the moment I open my eyes

He is not here.

The same figure you have been seeing every single day without fail for 31months..

Do you know how terrible it feels?

Been repeatedly reminding myself to be strong to pull through

Since it's part and parcel of life.

He will return home after days and weeks for 2years.

I should be able to adapt.

But definitely not now, not this 17days.

Tears that flow uncontrollably like a loose tap or waterfall

It became to swell those innocent eyes

The pain and ache between physical and emotional.

I've supposedly lost the clear line of demarcation between.

No matter who is here to hear me out

Tears is the only sounding answer to unspoken misses

I miss him, yes I do.

I sat alone, lied on the bed alone.

I read his 4.57am text when I first woke up at 7.30am

It goes:

Dear dear, just wanna tell you..

Thru out the night I miss you lots..

And you're my pillar of strength while I m here

I love you lots..

I really miss you much.

.

.

Take care baby.

Cried myself back to sleep.

Woke up minutes past 8am again.

Called his mom who wanted me to when I wake up.

Did so and cried over the phone conversation.

I thank for all those who care to ask.

I thank for all those who are worried.

I thank for his dad who feels the need to protect me while he is away

I thank for his mom and sis who texted and called me to cheer me up

I thank for Eunice who told me I will be her priority when BBya is in NS for that first 17days

I thank for Gerald and Brother Bird, Kenny for meeting up with me

(BBya told me to look for them if I have anything or ask them to take me out)

I thank those who replied my sms when I was feeling horrible.

I seek apology for my dependence

for my tears

for my emotional state

I seek apology from my dearest ladies who I didn't contact at all when I am feeling utterly miserable and down

Please pardon me for my refusal to call.

Yuting, you are leading a sparkling life now and it seems hard for me to relate to you

Pearl, family matter is already bothering you and you have to be there to take care of your dad, I don't wanna add on.

Michelle, you have to take care of Lovelle and I do not know how will I be feeling when constantly you have to attend to her.

Tracy, your life has been a havoc, be it positive or negative, in BGR or otherwise. Neither could I relate to you cos you don't have a very much alike thinking with me in relationship.

As for Regina and Yuki, I haven't been updating you girls so either ways, it is abrupt and messy to call you two.

Promised BBya to write him a sticky every day.

Might be getting something pretty to write on later.

After typing for so long, my tears have dried up but the swelling has yet to go away

I know my emotions are like an unexpected ride now

with ups and downs that you can't forsee or envisage.

I know the moment I stop to look at the familiar surrounding

I will at the highest point of the ride

Following next is the downfall.

I prayed that as long as he return home to me safely,

I don't mind the worse of school life.

And now I can't find my ez-link card.

No idea I misplaced or dropped it somewhere outdoor.

I'm not defeated yet..

But balancing alone on this thin line..

I don't know how long my eyes, my mind, my body, my everything that is concern, could take this.

It's draining my energy..

BBya~ 我好想好想你

离去没来得及紧紧拥抱着你，我会等你回来时第一个投入你的怀抱

。。。