Entry 447: To You, who watched the show, was an audience..



A little background information on myself related to the incident:

 

I was hurt by guys who left me for another girl. She might be prettier or less but the fact is..

They left me.

I was torn apart, I broke down.

I've never thought that I would get so upset and emotional over guys who are not worth a cent.

But I encountered my first. Then second.. then..

 

For all the reasons, they left me feeling insecure and doubting. They made me feel inferior whenever there is a girl of better quality. This is me, now.

 

These few days weren't that good for us.

Or rather, for me.

For some trust issues.. some lies that were exposed.

 

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I told myself to be 'under control' last night.

For all who came were his friends, dear ones..

But what I couldn't accept was a second time when I've already told him "no more".

In front of the crowd, of his friends, family, and my parents..

I couldn't break down. No, I told myself never to.

 

Yet she walked over with an apology with smiles, "You don't mind right?"

I smiled.. in front of the people..

But my heart was tearing..

Something was triggered in me..

 

 

It was the first time I got so worked up and nasty in front of everyone who were back in the house.

When you were there laughing or gossiping about your supposedly "comedy"

Our hearts were frail.

 

It was all tears.

It was all heartache.

In the room.

 

Everyone out there in the living room made me feel like I was the bad person.

Maybe, yes, I am.

Perhaps, I could have handled it better. No, I don't think I could.

There is no reason I could face them like nothing has happened.

There is absolutely no possibility for me to smile back at her, anymore.

 

At this point of time, I want to thank XiaoTing, who stayed by my side when I was feeling all alone in the "battle".

 

I couldn't take it when his parents told me not to this and that

It sounded like I was all in the fault when they do not know how it feels for me.

I was defeated, totally.

 

While he was eating, I laid in the car..

I couldn't help but to tear all over again..

 

I couldnt.. couldn't forgive myself for the damage I've done.

I tried so hard to put up a "good gf" image

I tried so hard to be that good girlfriend everyone else might want to have..

But you know the hardest you tried, yet failed..

The heartache and disappointment doubled.

 

I dreamt of the scenes..

I couldn't stop it haunting my mind..

I couldn't believe i could still see it replaying no matter my eyes are closed or wide opened.

The chemicals kept flowing..

 

He is assuring me with words..

I know.

But I need his actions to tally.. And I know he is trying his very best to

 

I know I am demanding and kept repeatedly mentioning about everything

I need so much assurance that I got pissed off myself too.

Let alone him..

 

We are fine now.

But my heart is so hurt, it can't heal any faster..

It took me a month or more to finally let the "fur" incident pass..

I don't know how long it is going to take for this..

What's more? He isn't someone who would have the patience to be in this assuring 'game'.

 

Sorry, I'm not the kind of girlfriend who would be fine seeing another girl on your back

It might be just playing.

But it was someone you once liked..

No matter how many times you said you no longer feel a single bit for her, I wish your actions could reassure me.

 

I don't like drunkards.

It could be funny to hear them spouting nonsensical stuffs..

But not when they got all high and do things without considering other's feelings.

I had bad encounters. Family in specific.

Not gonna elaborate.

 

Were you the one who felt I was in the wrong?

I hope you had my perspectives now.