Entry 409: Respite

I always thought I am being truthful to the people around me
I thought I was treating myself rightfully by being the way I am
I got so confused with life and people that I thought I am being real and true to myself.

Til I finally realized, you are the reason I am acting the way I am.

Everyone makes up ME. In your eyes, I try to achieve what you wish to see in me. I be the best I could. I thought there would be someone who really sees me. But I know, I'm too good at hiding certain things that I do not want anyone to know.

I appear to be strong yet weak; I appear to be mature yet childish; I appear to be practical yet unrealistic..

I can't be who I am. I do not know how. And I do not know, who I even am.

There's no point running away from life. No point running away from standards I couldn't meet. No point for me to elaborate further. I only know, that no one understands nature. Nature of human beings.

Some people you thought I'd never be with could be a form of respite or a reason for living. They could be what I need in order to discover who I really am. Some of them amazed me with who I could be and how I would act. But don't be too quick to conclude, nothing is definite in my dictionary.

Do you see those fears in my eyes? Can you tell how uneasy I felt?
I could be paranoid, highly sensitive and emotional.. but I got nothing to lose to show these out..
I only have this once in life..you too.