Entry 453: In case you do not know..

I read that girls should be sweeter to make a better living

And I read that I should be nicer and sweeter toward my boy to make him want to at least do something to make my life better too

I thought I should start from giving more encouragements, I did.

I thought I should listen more to his interests and hobbies, I did.

I thought I should tell him the 3 words no matter how many times, I did.

I changed some ways of communication..tried to SMS him more often..

But it seems so tiring.

What does this possibly imply?

I don't want to be messaging those short boring messages, knowing that he is happier messaging other people..

Friends - guys or girls.

I don't want to know I am not the first to know many things about him.

I don't want to know I am like an option in his life.

I don't want to know that even a stingray sounds more important than me, a human.

I don't want to know that I have to keep listening and not having him listening to mine.

I don't want to know he just can't go out happily with just the two of us.

I don't want to know I can't share his worries or unhappiness as the very first person he thought of confiding in.

I don't want to know after years of being together, he does not inform me or update me things that are of primary concerns to me.

I don't want to know that after 3 years, he still do not know the only way to make me feel better is to patiently assure and reassure me that he only loves me.

I don't want to know that he is unaware of my highly defending self towards other girls I am not very close with whom he gets close with.

I don't want to know that he does not know how to handle my questions and brushed it off with anger yet telling me the lies.

I don't want to know that he will never come to my school on his own accord to fetch me due to the distance yet knowing he could go the extra miles for his friend.

I don't want to know that he is not initiative in asking for hugs and kisses and I have to be the one almost always asking for it.

I don't want to know that he would visit other people's fb page and comment more than he comments on mine.

I don't want to know that he is not interested in what I am interested in.

I don't want to know that I can't communicate properly with him when problems arise.

I don't want to know that he does not really appreciate what I have done and likewise, a mistake would just turn my mood to change myself for him.

I don't want to know that I am sacrificing my time for him from my friend's.

I don't want to know that I place him as my priority and would try to be around the clock waiting for his command.

I do not want to know what I already know yet I can't.

They say I should stop thinking so much, I wish, I tried.

She say I lost the confidence and glamour I once had which she looked up to.

She say he won't abandon me

She say she supported me when he did wrong

He say he is too self-centered and I should treat myself better

They say we should separate for a while

She say she is envy when she sees us together

He say he dotes me and really wishes to be with me for life

I don't know what is true to me.

I just want to know..

by trying, and trying, and trying..

Does it really mean return?

If I continue to try and you tell me it is not bout returns, then what is the motivator?

It hurts..

Don't you know?